Rule Book

I’m in that awkward space between the second and third dates. The phase when you wonder whether he’s dating anyone else and still worry about whose turn it is to send the next text. 

Women have always been taught to expect a stretch of formal courtship before they become official with someone. Historically it was a length of time filled with rules – when it’s appropriate to hold hands, and kiss, and be alone together. I, for one, think the rules are outdated.

It’s no secret that dating is something at which I do not excel. When I was younger that could be blamed on not understanding the rules. I didn’t have boyfriends in high school, therefore I never learned the game. Now, however, I’m old enough to have learned the rules; I just have no intention of following them.

The three-date rule. If I like someone, I want to call them, and I expect them to call me. If it takes three days, all I wonder is what the hell was so all-consuming that he couldn’t shoot me a text to tell me he wants to see me again. (And does he really have time to be dating me right now??) I know out there is a guy who sees my never-ending stream of invitations to dinner and board game nights as generous and full of hospitality, rather than clingy. I mean, isn’t the whole point of dating to find someone you want to spend a lot of time with?

The hard-to-get rule. I’m old-fashioned in a hand-written cards kind of way. I have been known to stealthily track down mailing addresses in order to send care packages with homemade banana bread, favorite books with sticky-noted favorite passages, and hand-crafted birthday cards. To some men I sound like a stalker. To the right man I am the most thoughtful woman he has ever met.

The third date rule. I don’t have any hard and fast rules on how long I wait before becoming intimate with someone. When it’s right, it’s right. And when it’s the right man, he won’t think twice about how long it did or didn’t take to get me out of my clothes; he’ll just be glad he did.

These are just the biggies. They are by no means the full list. I don’t abide by them because I don’t feel that level of structure has any place in making a deep and lasting connection with someone. Just think about how we make friends: you meet someone and like their vibe, you invite them to do something. Not once do you stop to worry about whether you’re waiting long enough to make contact, or whether they’ll think you’re a weirdo for inviting them over two nights in a row. Because that’s how we make friends. When we meet people we want to be around, we try to be around them. And it makes sense to me that we would make lovers the same way we make friends: by spending time together.

While Great Date Guy is in Key West this weekend hanging in the sun with his boys, I’ll be here in Philly doing what I do. And when he gets back I won’t hesitate in asking him to come take off his shoes and crack open a bottle of wine. Because I want to spend time with him, and so far it seems like he wants to spend time with me, too.