No Shame

I’ve been modeling in the nude for nearly three years. That I love it is no secret; it makes me free. 

To some, the idea of posing in the buff in front of a roomful of strangers is enough to strike terror into their hearts, and I understand that. Ten years ago that was me, too. I’m not smaller than I was then; in fact I’m holding steady at a solid twenty pounds heavier than the year I graduated high school. I am different now than I was back then: today I accept my body.

Like everything else, figure modeling has taken to the internet, and I have the opportunity to participate. The project is a web series shot in real time, called “Croquis Café”, displaying real art models holding real poses for artistic instruction. On the surface I love everything about this project. I love the demystification of a very small, underground occupation. I love the idea of bringing models to the artist, especially at no charge (just think what this type of resource could do for the really brilliant young starving diamond-in-the-rough!).

Then there’s the camera. I have never liked the way I look on camera. Film classes in college were my least favorite. It’s true what they say: the camera really does add ten pounds, and I have no need for them. 

I feel for print and runway models. Nothing they do is ever good enough. Too fat, too skinny, too short, too old…it must be exhausting to be forever on the lookout for the next criticism over such a sensitive topic as one’s body. There have been a lot of posts on Facebook lately having to do with positive body image and loving large women. I read the comments and I’m just appalled by how mean people can be to complete strangers. By posing nude on the internet, I would be willingly offering myself up as fodder for such cruel remarks as have been posted with regard to some incredibly beautiful plus-size models who are far more naturally appealing than I. If people can hate and judge those women so easily, what in hell will they do to me?

The debate is raging inside me. On the one hand I’m terrified of mass body shaming sending my strong positive self-image into retreat. On the other, I consider myself a role model for young women. I think it’s important to portray art models in a regal manner, leaving no room for interpretation of our true intent in posing sans our clothes. Finally, I feel a need to be the example of a large woman whose figure is looked upon positively. Despite what the naysayers tout as an unhealthy weight, I am the very paradigm of health. I have low cholesterol, normal blood pressure, healthy organ performance, am not diabetic. I do not suffer from sleep apnea, and am more flexible than many people who are half my size. Once their “fat is unhealthy” argument has been debunked, what excuse do they have for their hate beyond pure ugliness? And I LIVE to expose that shit for what it is.

At the end of the week I’ll be nude holding minute-long poses in front of a camera. You see, I already agreed to this project. Despite all my hesitation and nervousness and dread, I’ll do it. Because it’s more important that I set an example as a human comfortable in her skin than to let fear of attack frighten me into hiding. I am stronger than all the hate the internet goons can muster. After all, I have Michelangelo and Rubens and Botticelli on my side.