It's Out There

I was talking to a professor the other day about this video shoot. As if peering into the very depth of my soul, he asks, “How do you feel about it?” I get a sense right away that Paul is asking how I feel about a video of me posing being out there in the universe where anyone could see it and misuse it and judge it. “Because here in the classroom, you’re in a controlled safe space.” Yes, we are in complete understanding of one another.

We shot the video yesterday, and the first segment aired this morning. My gut-wrenching reaction went something like this:

“Oh, my God, I am huge! I don’t feel like I look that…rotund in person – do I look like that in person?!”

This goes on for several minutes while I panic, knowing that for better or for worse, this video is online -- forever.

I never remember thinking about my body much at all until middle school. Then the name-calling and fat-shaming started. I remember not wanting to shower after gym in high school, not wanting to change in the locker room. I remember in my later teens not wanting anyone to see me eat, especially food was messy. I was twenty years old before I ever ate a buffalo wing. All these things are going through my head as I watch this video that has been released to the world.

Then something miraculous happens. 

My critical eye closes, and I am left studying the gesture line of this elegant, classical pose. I find myself admiring her stillness (how does she stay so still??), the way she positions her head to stretch out the length of her neck. I realize I am thinking like an artist, pondering if I could use just one line to describe what is going on in this pose, and the next, and the pose after that. I admire the muscle tone in her calves and arms as she stretches her limbs, her balance on one weight-bearing leg. When we reach the final pose and I am admiring the full figure of the model and the way the folds at her middle catch this perfect shadow, I recognize my own face and realize I am that model. 

It isn’t about how big I look or how uncomfortable I am watching this. It is about being a subject to teach someone else about how the human body works and the amazing things it can do.

It is almost as terrifying to speak candidly about my weight and appearance as is it is to watch that video. Since I posted the link this morning my community of artists, family, friends, and other models has been silent. As the administrator of my official modeling page I can see how many people have viewed the post. So far the only person to acknowledge its existence is the woman who co-owns the production company that shot it. That’s terrifying. I expected to be met with resistance, because nudity is frightening for many people; we’re a suited-up society. But this silence is shocking.

Just think of the resource this could be for not just artists, but models as well. There is no formal training for art modeling; you either “get it” or you don’t. But with this database of poses available anywhere in the world, any model who needs inspiration or coaching could pull up a video and see what other models are doing. I want to be part of that. I want to set that example.

There is a deeper reason for my choosing to participate in this project, and that is to shake the stigma attached to art modeling. If I intend for society to stop treating art modeling as taboo, then I need to stop treating it as such. Art modeling transcends nudity. It isn’t about being naked. It isn’t exhibitionism. It isn’t sexual. It’s not these things at all. 

To quote my friend, Lora McKenna, “Art models are special creatures. Their bodies are their tools to exhibit line, texture and character. They allow you to observe them in order to allow you to be better artists.”

This rubenesque model agrees.

Croquis Café, Week 98
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Croquis Café, Week 113.