Happy Fucking New Year
I wake on New Year's Day with a sense of relief and the feeling of a clean start and a fresh year ahead.
It's been a "grit your teeth" and "clutch your broken heart" and "fuck I made another mistake" type of year. It's been painful and hard. More than once I have looked around frantically searching for the exit, only to realize the room is round and I'm still spiraling downward.
Not Just a Fling Guy has surface on the internet (damn you, Facebook), circling me with a wide berth. He is the first face I see when I log in, having secured the top spot in the intuitive list of "people you may know". He looks amazing -- stronger, more vibrant -- and I want him to drop dead.
I want to scream at him that he destroyed me, that he broke me down and left me dead inside. I want to yell "How could you" and "Where the fuck have you been". I want to pull him into my arms and hang on for dear life.
After four months, hearing his voice is as simple as picking up the phone. It is as though no time has passed between us, and I have not spent all this time being so broken it sometimes took everything I could muster just to make myself function as a human being.
Ironic, that he would be pulling himself together while I was falling apart.
Not long after midnight my phone tells me, "Happy New Year to you too, sweetie." Just like that he's back in my life, and I wonder if he intends to stay this time.
I need to see him, and I am terrified. I have this one chance to tell him what I need him to know; I have already lost everything. If he still wants me there is nothing on Earth that could keep me from him. And if he doesn't it's time he said it to my face.
It's been a "grit your teeth" and "clutch your broken heart" and "fuck I made another mistake" type of year. It's been painful and hard. More than once I have looked around frantically searching for the exit, only to realize the room is round and I'm still spiraling downward.
Not Just a Fling Guy has surface on the internet (damn you, Facebook), circling me with a wide berth. He is the first face I see when I log in, having secured the top spot in the intuitive list of "people you may know". He looks amazing -- stronger, more vibrant -- and I want him to drop dead.
I want to scream at him that he destroyed me, that he broke me down and left me dead inside. I want to yell "How could you" and "Where the fuck have you been". I want to pull him into my arms and hang on for dear life.
After four months, hearing his voice is as simple as picking up the phone. It is as though no time has passed between us, and I have not spent all this time being so broken it sometimes took everything I could muster just to make myself function as a human being.
Ironic, that he would be pulling himself together while I was falling apart.
Not long after midnight my phone tells me, "Happy New Year to you too, sweetie." Just like that he's back in my life, and I wonder if he intends to stay this time.
I need to see him, and I am terrified. I have this one chance to tell him what I need him to know; I have already lost everything. If he still wants me there is nothing on Earth that could keep me from him. And if he doesn't it's time he said it to my face.
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